Interracial Dating

When I was 18 years old I had my first serious relationship. Samuel* was nice, funny, compassionate, and he was White. I'll admit that I initially had some doubts, but they were more so about whether race would ever cause friction or misunderstandings between us. I didn't care what anyone else thought. I'd found someone who cared about me, and I wasn't going to walk away from that just because closed-minded people wouldn't approve.

I never saw him as White. I just saw him as Samuel. I mean obviously I was aware of his race but I never really thought about it. Except, of course, for when people reminded me. They way we got stares in public, the ignorant questions people asked. A girl who saw a picture of him and I up on my wall asked, "Do you usually date White guys?". Now had he been Black it would've been seen as "natural" and I highly doubt she would've asked about the race of men I date. Once, when Sam and I were standing outside, a car driving by slowed down. The man in the passenger seat, who was Black, yelled out the window that I was a sinner for fornicating with the White Devil.

Interracial dating. It's a controversial topic. Some people disapprove because they believe in the preservation of culture. But a lot of the animosity associated with interracial affairs stems from a belief in racial hierarchy (that someone may not be "good enough" due to their race or ethnicity) and also from feelings of rejection.

Before I even start, I want to make it clear that this is not some typical "angry Black woman" rant. In fact, I think interracial dating is a beautiful representation of unity, and shows that love can persevere through adversity. Everyone has the right to find happiness wherever they choose. However, I do find it noteworthy that there is an imbalance within the Black community. The purpose here is not to say who anyone should and should not be with, but rather to mention the steady increase of Black men dating and marrying women who aren't Black, and how Black women are affected by this. It's not meant to be a scholastic article. It is based on experience, conversations with other Black women and some research.



The number of Black men dating/marrying outside of their race is significantly higher than that of Black women. With such a large number looking elsewhere for relationships/marriage, many Black women can be left with a feeling of abandonment. The disparity shown in statistics is staggering and I don't think it's just a coincidence.

The media reflects our society's glorification of the White woman. Don't believe me? Google hot women, hottest women, beautiful women, etc., and what you get is thousands upon thousands of images of white women. There were very very few women of color, and the ones that appeared all had light to very fair skin, and long straight hair. Growing up as a Black woman in America is to be widely portrayed as undesirable. And within the Black community, the lighter your skin, and the straighter your hair, the more beautiful you are regarded. Historically, Black women bleached their skin and used chemicals to alter their hair texture. Skin bleaching is not as openly common as it once was, but thousands of black women continue to put relaxers in their hair. it's assimilation, conscious or subconscious. (and i include myself in this since i hotcomb my hair straight).
[2011 update: i no longer straighten my hair on a regular basis. i wear it completely natural, and straighten it once or twice a year.]

i remember when i was a little girl, and many a jokes were centered around nappy hair and dark skin. i had never seen a problem with my hair. but in the peer pressure i begged my mother to let me get a relaxer. i didn't know the severity of the chemicals and the effect it would have on my hair and scalp in the long run. i didn't see it as rejecting my ancestry. i just knew that i wanted to fit in and not get made fun of anymore.
even today in adulthood i feel pressure. i stopped putting chemicals in my hair a long time ago, but i still straighten it with a hotcomb. i fear that my puff will cause an aversion to me or that it will keep from getting a job. every now and then when i wear it completely natural, i get disapproval. the little insecure girl in me comes back and i straighten it asap.

Completely dismissing a Black woman simply because of her race has the potential to negatively affect her self-perception and self-esteem. Black men who do this are perpetuating the exact racist mentality of the system that oppresses them everyday. The hypocrisy baffles me. To Black men who may stumble upon this: Keep in mind that your daughter with your non-Black partner may very well come out with brown skin, and be perceived and treated as Black. Now all of those hateful things that Black men like you say about Black women will be thrown at her. Your daughter will be ignored by the Black men of her generation who think the way you do. They will look at her skin and judge her before even getting know her, just as you do to Black women today.


My problem isn't with Black men being with women of other races. I know first hand that you can be with someone for who they are inside, not what they look like on the outside. My problem is that in some cases, their motives are offensive and rooted in self-hatred. My problem lies with the Black men who make a mockery of Black women by saying that they are all too needy, have too much attitude, aren't attractive, an so on. This generalization is ignorant, and an insult to the individuality of Black women. I found a list that was put together by some Black men as to why they find it difficult to date Black women. This is just an example of the ignorance I am
referring to:

1. Black women make black men feel under appreciated, unwarranted and irresponsible and regressive.
2. Black women are too aggressive and no longer patient in waiting on the pursuit of a man.
3. Black women are strong headed, too independent which presents great challenges in relationships.
4. Black women are masculine in that they are controlling and like to run the relationship.
5. Black women expect too much. They are gold diggers who will not look twice at a blue collar black man.
6. Black women are hot headed and have bad attitudes.
7. Black women stop caring about their appearance after a certain age.
8. Black women are not as sexually open as other races, especially in regards to oral sex.
9. Black women's tolerance is far too low; they are no longer empathetic to the black man's struggle in white America.
10. Black women do not cater to their men.

I'll point out a contradiction here. They accuse us of being gold diggers, but when we are successful and make our own money, they say we are "too independent".

I am a Black woman and nothing on this list describes me. I could go on and on with retorts and disproofs, but I'll just say: Women with issues come in all colors, so to feel as though Black women should be singled out and put down is absurd.

The fact that such a list even exists and lumps all Black women together is just...sad. And this is merely the tip of the iceberg. Many statements can be found from Black men expressing their aversion from Black women. So when I see a Black man with a woman who is not Black, I can't help but wonder if he was drawn to her for her, or because he thinks that Black women are not good enough.

So to be clear once more, I don't have a problem with interracial dating. I have a problem with men, particularly Black men, who insult and tear down Black women.

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*Name changed to protect privacy.